An article by Captain Mystery, posted on March 07. 2003.
Hey, it's been a while! My unforeseen absence can be put down to the fact I came third in Remi's sub-standard popularity contest poll a few weeks or months ago, with less than 20 per cent of you saying my articles were the best on this site. Naturally, this hammer blow to my ego caused me to sequester myself in a small cave, sobbing into my crumpled code wheel and reminiscing for the days when jokes about losing them were funny. You know what I mean. Yeah, 1992. However, you can stop grumbling like a 21-year-old LucasArts fan who's just found out Monkey Island doesn't really exist deep in the Caribbean. Celebrate instead! Yes, like Eminem, but without half the swearwords and with a whole bucketful of common sense for your stupid heads, I'm back.
So what shall I turn my attention to for this article? Here's some clues: it runs on your computer, it connects you to idiots around the world, and it's a place where the socially inept are given a worryingly loud voice. I doubt you're quick enough to guess what it is, so I'll tell you. IRC. Internet Relay Chat for those who want it written out in fool. But my problem's not with IRC in general. Oh no. The real problem I have is with a certain channel, deep in the Internet (see what I did there?), called #monkey-island. If you've never visited this place, trust me, it's like a clown convention with added exploding cars and trapeze artist gibbons. But the wackiness of its inhabitants is almost nothing compared to the one stunning fact about this channel…Monkey Island is never discussed!
Incredulous, I hear you shout! Well, if you can squint through the maze of LOLS and exclamation marks followed unintentionally by the number 1, you'll spot line after line of desperate text on subjects you just wouldn't raise in public. The kind that in the real world would either get you thrown out of polite company or attacked with some large object, for example a certain Monkey Island fan-fiction writer. But in #monkey-island, it's fair game for anything! Just remember the golden rule – no LucasArts conversation if it can be avoided. Sure, you can talk about how cute Legolas is and what species some dwarf in Lord of the Rings you've got the hots for might be (and that's just the boys chatting), but screw LucasArts!
No, really, it's a freak zone. And it's off limits to the normal people! This is a place where chatting about the likes of Sam & Max takes a back seat, and talking about how to grow your hair out takes control. Enough driving metaphors methinks, but it's all true. Seriously, what point is there to calling it #monkey-island when a bunch of pre-pubescent youths "ROFL" with each other about how big their hair looks, but don't talk about Guybrush and his many adventures? Just call the channel #international-nuthouse and be done with it. And you know the best thing about all this? The ops – or the "servants of the people" as one person hilariously called them (he clearly equates IRC with being a communist nation) – are the biggest culprits of shutting out all the Monkey Island talk!
Remi, who I've come to know and love in more ways than one (here's looking at you, sexy) as the webmaster of this site, is also apparently the replacement founder of #monkey-island, after Skyfox went to that big E3 in the sky. Quite how you can re-found something is beyond me, but never mind. Remi doesn't say much, and lets the freaks carry on their off-topic banter when it would make more sense them to join other channels devoted to their bizarre conversations. Still, he's not as bad as his fellow ops, most notably the ones obsessed with Lord of the Rings. Remi said not to go into specifics with names in case I made someone cry, so I won't, but here's hoping they get the hint and actually talk about LucasArts once in a while.
Seriously, what sort of impression does it give someone wandering into the channel one day, perhaps with some highly witty comment or marvelous insight into the Monkey Island series, when the first thing they see is "OMG that sword fight was the best ever…I like my hair long"? From the time I've spent in there, I've deduced there are three or four decent people, while the remaining majority of conversationalists seem to have entered the wrong IRC channel. Isn't it about time you actually discussed Monkey Island? Or has it got to the point where those who log on but stay silent are suffering such ennui they can't possibly fight back against the relentless tide of completely non-LEC related topics? Hey, I'll give you a topic to discuss next time you go into #monkey-island: you're all freaks! See how generous I am?
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