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  • Books...



    Adult Entertainment
    "Zelda Carbuncle Tells All"
    Memoirs Of A Woman Of Dubious Pleasure.





    Animatronics
    "Animatronics"
    By Walt Whimsy
    It's technical stuff, I can't understand a word of it.



    Animatronics
    "Under The Surface"
    By Walt Whimsy
    It's technical stuff, I can't understand a word of it.



    Annotation
    See Footnoting




    Archaeology
    "X Never Marks The Spot"
    By I. Jones



    Art
    "Vagueness As An Art Form"




    Art/philosophy
    "Idealism Or Surrealism?"
    Philosophy/art Textbook.





    Beverages
    "Beverages For Everyone"

    You know, I don't believe there's a man, woman, or child alive who doesn't occasionally enjoy a lonely beverage.



    Big Whoop
    See Treasure




    Biography
    "Both Hands Empty"
    The Herman Toothrot Story.





    Biography
    "Both Hands Moving"
    The Stan Story.





    Biography
    "Both Heads Empty"
    The Fettucini Brothers Story.





    Biography
    "A Fistful Of Barnacles"
    Journal Of Captain Twiddlymore





    Biography
    "Lick The Silver Spoon"
    By L. Phatt



    Biography
    "Me And Blackbeard"




    Biography
    "The Time I Blew Up Lechuck"
    Questionable Memoirs Of Guybrush Threepwood


    I can't believe I'm reading my own memoirs.



    Biography
    "Yikes!"
    Memoirs Of Captain Gilbert


    Yikes!



    Body
    "Unusual Birthmarks"




    Breakfast
    "Breakfast At Meathook's"




    Business
    "How To Make Friends And Influence People"
    By Bluebeard



    Cannibalism
    "How To Serve Your Fellow Man"
    By Lemonhead
    Yikes!



    Cannibalism
    See Also: Self-Help




    Catalogs
    See Subheadings




    Cheese
    "Guide To Cheeses Of The World"
    Reference





    Children's Books
    "The Sinister Beast Under The Bed"

    Hmm... Good bedtime reading…



    Children's Books
    "Treasury Of Pirate Children's Stories"




    Circuses
    "Alfredo And Bill's Excellent Adventure"
    Fiction





    Circuses
    "Damn The Human Torpedo"
    The Origin Of The Human Cannonball Trick.





    Classics
    "Great Expectorations"
    By Captain Loogie
    This is very...



    Collectables
    "Junk, Junk, And More Junk"
    A Guide To Collectable Memorabilia.





    Cooking
    "Noteworthy Pirate Foods"

    Hey, it's blank!



    Cooking
    "Viscous Fluids You Can Make At Home"




    Crafts
    "Crochet Eyepatches For Fun And Profit"




    Cross-Reference
    See Referential Obscurantism




    Cryptography
    "The Code In My Nose"
    Unique Message Drops Through History.


    Sounds uncomfortable.



    Dewey Decimal System
    See Organizational Schema




    Disasters
    "Great Shipwrecks Of Our Century"
    From The Lime-Life Disaster Series.


    Says here the Mad Monkey sank at ??N, ??W.



    Disease
    "Fascinating Facts About Scurvy"




    Disease
    "Shipboard Diseases"

    Gross.



    Dogs
    "Dog English Dictionary"
    Reference


    It says here that "Arf has twenty-seven meanings in Dog.



    Education
    "Preparing For The Pirate Aptitude Test"
    By S. Karpman



    Entertainment
    "Quiet On The Set"




    Entymology
    "Tomato Worms"
    An Owner's Manual





    Entymology
    "Origins Of Pirate Words"

    It says here that most pirate lingo can be traced to Phoenician restroom grafitti.



    Eyesight
    Vision




    Farthington Dynasty
    Games




    Fashion
    "Summer Swashbuckling Fashions"
    Three Years Of The Popular Periodical





    Fiction
    "E-Ticket"




    Fiction
    "Five More Than I Needed"




    Fiction
    "Hedgehog Days"




    Fiction
    "Not So Much As A Doubloon"
    An Anthology Of Short Fiction





    Fiction
    "Very, Very Short Stories"

    Yep, these are short all right.



    Finance
    "Easy Ways To Make Money"




    Fish
    "Big Book Of Fish"
    Illustrated Guide To Fish Of The World.


    It`s a bunch of neat pictures of fish.



    Fishing
    "Limpit Fishing: The Lost Art"




    Food
    "I Married A Muenster"
    By S. Cheese



    Food
    "Life-Size And Larger"




    Food
    "Rats As A Protein Source"
    Ick.



    Food
    See Also: Cannibalism




    Footnoting
    See Vicious Pedantry




    Games
    "Hal Barwood On Monkey 2"
    A Critical Review.


    "Less is more, guys!"



    Games
    "Fan-Tan Fanatic"
    By Elroy T. Funbun



    Games
    "King Of Shuffleboard"
    An Account Of The Farthington Dynasty.





    Genealogy
    "My Mother The Cart"
    Strange But True Tales.


    This is creepy!



    Genetics
    "How To Make A Jackalope"

    I wonder how they get them to cooperate?



    Geometry
    "Properties Of The Elliptic Hyperboloid"

    It`s technical stuff, I can`t understand a word of it.



    Ghost Pirate Lechuck
    "When I Blew Up Lechuck"
    One Of Threepwood's Worst.


    The catalog was right, this IS pretty bad.



    Ghost Pirate Lechuck
    "Where I Blew Up Lechuck"
    One Of Threepwood's Worst.


    The catalog was right, this IS pretty bad.



    Ghost Pirate Lechuck
    "Why I Blew Up Lechuck"
    One Of Threepwood's Worst.


    The catalog was right, this IS pretty bad.



    Godiva, Lady
    "The Shirt Off My Back"
    Biography, See Also Adult Entertainment


    Darn, no pictures.



    Grave Robbing
    "Popular Punishments For Grave Robbers"

    Yikes!



    Grog, Addiction To
    "I Am Blackbeard's Liver"
    The Horrifying True Story Of A Confessed Grogaholic


    Just say no to grog.



    Groupings
    See Catalogs




    Headings
    See Cross-Reference




    History
    "Careful With Those Cannonballs!"
    Legend Of The Glass-Bottomed Armada


    "Careful With Those Cannonballs!"



    History
    See Also: Scabb Island




    Hogwash
    "Rememberance Of Molly"




    Humor
    "Bad Puns For Bad Pirates"
    By N. Falstein
    heh.



    Humor
    "Dumb Pirate Jokes"




    Humor, Gallows
    "So You're Going To Be Executed

    Gulp.



    Ice Cream
    "Pirates' Favorite Ice Cream Flavors"

    Hmm, Pistachio Dryrot, Salmonella Chip, Grog 'n' Cream…



    Idols
    "Tikis Of The South Pacific"
    Reference





    Igloos
    "Igloo Construction Made Easy"




    Imaginary Numbers
    "The New Tax Laws"
    Light Fiction.


    It`s a bit dry, and I don't like the ending.



    Indexes
    See Indices




    Indian Burns
    "How To Give Great Indian Burns"




    Indices
    See Titles




    Inferiority
    "The Complex Complex"




    Internal Revenue Service
    See Imaginary Numbers.




    Jackalope
    See Genetics




    Jello
    "The Story Of Jello"




    Jellyfish
    "Our Spineless Cousins"




    Justice
    "Kangaroo Court"
    Critique Of The Modern Judicial System.





    Juvenile Behavior
    "Cow-Tipping Enthusiast"
    Collected Essays On Form And Style.





    Karate
    See Martial Arts




    Karma
    "My Karma Just Ran Over Your Dogma"
    See Also: Philosophy


    I think philosophy stuff is just a waste of time.



    Keelhauling
    "Keelhauling: Methodology And Practice"




    Ketchup
    See Vegetables




    Kidneys
    "The Little Organ That Could"
    Pop-Up Book Of Kidney Functions.


    There are little pop-up kidneys in it!



    Kleptomania
    "Kleptomania"

    It Says Here That Kleptomania Is The Nigh-Irresistable Compulsion To Take Anything Not Nailed Down.
    Hmmm…



    Labyrinths
    See Zip Codes




    Language
    "Hip Lingo For Pirates"
    A Dictionary Of Modern Slang Terms.


    Hmmm...



    Lice
    "Louse Ranching For Fun And Profit"




    Lunch
    "Afternoon At Meathook's"

    Fascinating…



    Lyrics
    "Rock And Raunch"
    Banned Record Albums Of The Past Decade.


    I don't see what's so bad about these lyrics.



    Magic
    See Voodoo




    Manatees
    "Damp Damsels Of The Deep"




    Manatees
    "The Sailor And The Sea Cow"
    -- A Fable





    Martial Arts
    "Theory And Practice Of Bone Breakage"

    Hey, this guy's only a PINK belt!



    Mathematics
    "Cubic Lemniscate Formulas"

    Boy, is this stuff boring.



    Maze Construction
    See Annotation




    Military
    "The Steath Sailor: Why It Won't Sail"




    Money
    "Make Easy Money At Home"

    It says I should send in two dollars for details.



    Mountains
    "The Majesty Of The Sierras"

    Sierras? Majestic? I think not.



    Music
    "Elvis Lives"
    Predictions Of Future Music By Nottruedamus





    Music
    "Grammy Award Winners Of The Renaissance




    Music
    "Volume First"




    Music
    "World's Worst Pirate Songs"

    Hey, "A thousand bottles of beer on the wall."



    Music
    "Xylophone For Beginners"




    Mystery
    "How Much Wood?"
    From The Woodchuck Mystery Series.


    I think the butler did it.



    Narcissism
    "Feeling Good About Narcissism"

    The 'about the author' part goes almost the whole way through the book.



    Narcolepsy
    "Confessions Of A Narcoleptic

    Boy, what a sleeper.



    New Age
    "Dynanetics By L. Ron Gilbert"

    Who does this guy think he is, anyway?



    Night
    "Sounds Under The Bed"




    Noises
    "A Definitive Guide To Cartoon Noises"




    Noogies
    "How To Give Great Noogies"




    Normality
    "A White Picket Fence"
    Sociological Study.





    Noses
    "Honk If You Have To"
    Colds, Allergies, And Other Ailments.





    Nostalgia
    "Soda Fountains Of My Youth"
    By Ponce De Leon
    Boy, does this guy ever wan to relive his childhood.



    Numerology
    "Numerology For Beginners"




    Nylon
    "Uses Of Nylon By Pirates"




    Obesity
    "More Of Me To Love"
    By L. Phatt



    Obscenity
    "&$*#!"
    Symbolic Equivalents Of Obscene Words And Phrases.


    This stuff is really repulsive!



    Okra
    "My Favorite Gumbo Recipes"
    See Also Food.





    Olives
    "Scourge Of The Pizza"
    Examination Of Forced Olive Consumption





    Optimism
    "There's Always A Rainbow"

    I hate people who write books like this.



    Orangutans
    "Our Hairy Cousins"

    I have a lot of cousins like that…



    Organizational Schema
    See Labyrinths




    Origami
    "Paper Buffalo"
    Advanced Origami Designs.


    "Paper Buffalo"



    Orthapedics
    "Hear The Sound Of My Feet Talking"

    It`s about zen orthopedics or some such foolishness.



    Philosophy
    "Deliberance"
    A Philisophical Treatise.





    Philosophy
    "Rastafarian Philosophy"

    I don't get it.



    Pillaging
    "All About Pillaging"
    From The Popular How-To Series





    Pillaging
    "Masters Of Pillaging"
    Interviews With Some Of The Best.


    Wow!



    Piracy
    "Pirating Primer"
    For The Novice Pirate.


    This is about something called "software" piracy.



    Poetry
    "Three Sheets To The Wind"
    Poetry By Pirates.


    This is some of the worst poetry I've ever read.



    Quotations
    "Famous Pirate Quotations"

    Quotations:
    "Aaarrrrrrrg!"
    "Happiness is a warm Manatee."
    "Kiss me, I've got scurvy."
    "Mouthwash? We don't need no stinking mouthwash!"
    "Violets are blue, roses are red...
    We're coming aboard. Prepare to eat lead."
    Pirates:
    -Barney Gout
    -Commander Buttonhead
    -Fester Leach
    -Old Skunk-Eye
    -Rapp Scallion



    Ranching
    See Lice




    Recipes, Voodoo
    "The Joy Of Hex"
    101 Essential Voodoo Recipes.


    I think it`s meant for advanced voodoo practitioners.



    Recursion
    See Recursion




    Referential Obscurantism
    See Groupings




    Romance
    "Amour's Agonizing Adieu"
    By Melanie Leary
    Argh!



    Romance
    "Desire's Distasteful Denouement"
    By Melanie Leary
    Dumb!



    Romance
    "Fascination's Final Frenzy"
    By Melanie Leary
    Fiddle-sticks!



    Romance
    "Love's Lingering Lassitude"
    By Melanie Leary
    Truly disgusting.



    Romance
    "Next To Nothing"
    By E. Marley, an account of her time with Guybrush Threepwood.
    If you can`t say something nice, you're not supposed to say anything at all. Much less write a whole BOOK.



    Romance
    "Passion's Persistent Presence"
    By Melanie Leary
    Why would she write this?



    Romance
    "Romance's Wretched Residue"
    By Melanie Leary
    Ridiculous!



    Romance
    "Sin's Sordid Swan Song"
    By Melanie Leary
    Stupid!



    Romance
    "Yearning's Yellowing Yesterdays"
    By Melanie Leary
    Yuck!



    Sailing
    "If I Only Had A Drain"
    Perils Of Showering Aboard Ship





    Sailing
    "Safe Sailing"




    Salmon
    "Lox And Locks"
    Modern Problems Facing Salmon.





    Scabb Island
    "Scabb Island History"
    An Introduction


    Says here that Scabb was first settled as a quarantine island for skin diseases.
    It later became a haven for pirates because of it`s distinctive lack of authority figures.



    Self-Help
    "Pirates Who Love Too Much"




    Self-Help
    "Not Eating People And Feeling Good About It"
    Confessions Of An Ex-Cannibal





    Sharks
    "Killers Of The Deep"
    A Study Of Caribbean Sharks.





    Shipbuilding
    "Modern Shipbuilding"
    By G. Steele



    Shipwrecks
    Disaster




    Sin
    "The Hidden Sins Of Calculus"

    Boy, this is reactionary!



    Sin
    "Top Seven Deadly Sins"

    'Sloth' is my favorite.



    Slang, Pirate
    "Shiver My Timbers"
    See Also: Language


    "Yarrrr, matey." I wonder if anyone really talks like this.



    Sociology
    "Social Darwinism And Social Disease"
    Comparative Social Theory.


    An interesting comparison.



    Solitaire
    "A Million And One Ways To Play Solitaire"
    By Herman Toothrot
    What a rip.



    Spiritual
    "Gift Of The Lizard People"




    Spiritual
    "Over The We're's Nest"




    Stupidity
    "Walk Thru Walls: The Intelligence Avoider"
    An Analysis Of The System, Pat Pending.


    I certainly don't need this...



    Subheadings
    See Maze Construction




    Subtraction
    "Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Partner"

    It`s technical stuff, I can`t understand a word of it.



    Surgery
    "Operating Without A Net"
    Techniques For Safe Surgery.


    It says to always use latex gloves.



    Tattoos
    "Why Chicks Dig Tattoos"

    Hmm... Maybe I should get one.



    Tattoos
    "Tattoo-Related Skin Infections"

    Hmm... Maybe I shouldn't get one.



    Tattoos
    "A Child's First Book Of Tattoos"

    Aw, the teddy bear is cute!



    Tea
    "Tea Party Massacre"
    By Louisa De La Cruz
    "Tea Party Massacre"



    Theater
    "Beyond Hearts And Question Marks"
    Shadow Puppetry For The Two-Hook Pirate





    Three-Headed Monkey
    "The Pride Of Loch Ness"

    This guy thinks the legendary Three-Headed Monkey is actually the son of the Loch Ness Monster.



    Titles
    See Headings




    Toast
    "Thirty Things That Taste Terrific On Toast"




    Toenails
    "Modern Toenail Collector"
    Periodical Compendium.


    It`s a bunch of clippings from some magazine.



    Toys
    "Collectable Toy Trucks"

    Here's an interesting one: the Junior Ultra Soldier Commando Assault VehicleTM.



    Travel
    "The Caribbean On No Dollars A Day"
    A Pirate Handbook





    Treasure
    "Big Whoop: Unclaimed Bonanza Or Myth?"

    It says here there were four pirates:
    Rapp Scallion (the cook)...
    ...Young Lindy (the cabin boy)...
    ...Mister Rogers (the first mate)...
    ...and Captain Marley.
    They buried their treasure along with plenty of booby traps on a place believed to be called Inky Island.
    They made a map which they divided into four pieces, each man taking one.
    Rapp Scallion later opened the Steamin' Weenie Hut on Scabb Island.
    It was a huge success but fell into disrepair after Rapp was killed in a flash fire.
    Young Lindy drifted aimlessly, down on his luck until he mysteriously came into money while panhandling on Booty Island.
    He used the cash to bankroll an advertising firm which failed after it's gross mishandling of the Gangrene 'n' Honey account.
    Mister Rogers retired off the coast of Phatt Island.
    He marketed homemade contest grog brewed in a bathtub until his recent disappearence.
    Captain Marley vanished while sailing in the America's Cup race.
    His boat was leading at the time.



    Tree Surgery
    "Anaesthetics For Deciduous Trees"




    Trilogies
    "Why People Shouldn't Write Trilogies"
    By Simon Finkleberth



    Trilogies
    "Why People Won't Read Trilogies"
    By Simon Finkleberth



    Trilogies
    "Why People Write Trilogies Anyway"
    By Simon Finkleberth



    Tripe
    "Dessert Recipes For Tripe Lovers"

    Ick.



    Ulcers
    "Why You Shouldn't Worry About Ulcers"




    Umbrellas
    "Giant Umbrellas And Other Bits Of Art"

    Sounds dangerous.



    Underpants
    "Wedgies; Harmless Fun Or Sadistic Torture?"

    It says here that the wedgie was once used as a law enforcement practice.



    Vegetables
    "Vegetables Children Will Eat"

    That's odd, it claims ketchup is a vegetable.



    Vicarious Living
    "Popular Spectator Sports"

    I can't find stoat wrestling in here.



    Vices
    "101 Vices"
    By J.P. Ampleform
    Hey, only 30 to go!



    Vicious Pedantry
    See Dewey Decimal System




    Violins
    "Thirty Non-Musical Uses For Your Violin"

    Wow, I bet that WOULD keep the cats away…



    Viruses
    "Things You Can Catch By Reading A Library Book"

    Uh, oh…



    Vision
    "Patches"




    Volcanoes
    "Warm All Year Round"
    Real Estate Handbook.





    Voodoo
    Recipes, Voodoo




    Vulgarity
    "Gross Things To Say At Parties"

    --snicker--
    I especially like the one about sauerkraut.



    Waiting
    "Is It Soup Yet?"
    A Jillion Things To Do While Waiting In Line.





    Wallpaper
    "Anywhere But My Room"
    Designs Featuring Cute Cartoon Characters.





    Wallpaper
    "Impact Of Yellow On Small Children"
    Psychological Study.





    Wallpaper
    "Living In Lime"
    One Thousand Lime Green Designs


    Ick.



    Waltzes
    "Dancing On Three Legs"




    Warthogs
    "The Misunderstood Pet"




    Wealth
    "Opulence As A Social Art"
    By L. Phatt



    Wild Animals
    "Meet Mr. Tiger"
    Pop-Up Book.


    Neat, the pictures pop up.



    Wine
    "Sniffing The Cork"
    How-To For The Wine Snob.





    Woodworking
    "Out On A Plank"




    Xanthippe
    "Life Cycle Of The Shrew"




    Xenophobia
    "Hey You Kids, Get Off Of My Lawn"




    Xylophone
    Music




    Yacht Clubs
    "Pirate's Guide To Caribbean Yacht Clubs"




    Yachting
    "All You Need Is The Cap"
    Yachting On Land.





    Yaks
    "The Yak Is Slow But The Earth Is Patient"




    Yawning
    "The Yearn To Yawn"
    Psychological Study Of Yawn Envy





    Yeti
    "Interview With A Snowman"




    Yiddish
    "Feh, And Other Useful Terms"
    Reference


    "Feh, and Other Useful Terms"



    Yo-Yos
    "At The End Of The Rope"
    Yo-Yo Politics.





    Yo-Yos
    "Bouncing And Behaving"
    Intermediate Yo-Yo Tricks.


    "Bouncing and Behaving"



    Yo-Yos
    "Spinning At The End Of The String"
    Yo-Yo Philosophy





    Yodeling
    "Yodeling From The Top Of The Lungs"
    A Study Of Yodelling As An Offensive Weapon.





    Yorkshire Pudding
    "Not Quite Really Pudding"
    Articles And Recipes.


    "Not Quite Really Pudding"



    Zinjanthropus
    "Pirates Of The Pleistocene"




    Zip Codes
    See Indexes




    Zippers
    "Zipper Theory"




    Zirconium
    "The Most Beautiful Element"




    Zoology
    "Just One Of The Primates"




    Zoology
    "Zoo Animals More Intelligent Than Humans"

    It's too thick, I don't have time to read it.



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