The Monkey Island SCUMM Bar: Happy Festivus!

Ah yes, it's that time of year again. Snow is falling, Perry Como is on the radio every other minute, and everybody seem to like eggnog all of a sudden. This can only mean one thing - it's time for Festivus - a holiday for the rest-uv-us! And true to tradition, we open the day with the airing of grievances. First out is Gabez, addressing the Monkey Island community as a whole. (If you are a sensitive and easily offended person you might not want to read this. You have been warned!)
"We begin this year's airing of grievances with my airing of grievances. And after a year of putting up with s**t I got a lot of airing to do! To business:

I'll begin with the biggest but by no means worst offender: the Monkey Island off-topic forum creeps? No-one bloody cares if you're pregnant or had a bad day at work, or if you're wanting to commit suicide. As the Americans say, s**t or get off the pot. I also hate the way you stick with a forum topic for about two posts before discussing the sex appeal of Ray Jones's underpants. For any newcomer it's hell trying to join a thread when the last discussion point was "lol u so sexy".

Linking to that are the Monkey Island forum Nazis. A lot of people will get offended because I called them Nazis, but I'm sorry, they are. Does killing Jews and worshiping Hitler make you a Nazi? Yes? Then they're Nazis.

Next up are all the twats who message me on MSN saying "do u like Monkekey Island???", or who say (and this is worst of all) "who r u", when they were the ones who f**king added me in the first place. And to answer the first question, no I don't like Monkey Island, I f**king hate it.

I was semi-serious about that last one, actually. I liked Monkey Island before all the f**king Goths ruined it by liking it too. I guess I'm attracted to stuff that isn't known so much and therefore spoilt.

Which brings me onto my next grievance: people who cuss things before they try them. SPECIFICALLY people who have a go at The Last Express. Come on, it's a brilliant game! Just because you played the s***ty demo it doesn't mean you're an expert on it. I admit that the game isn't for anyone, but if it isn't your cup of tea then shut the hell up about how it sucks � just don't discuss it. That includes you, Remi!

The problem with the Internet is everyone thinks they're right. But they're not! They're all WRONG, probably because they're opinions are based on the flimsiest of evidence and they're all stuck up their own arses.

I also hate the World of Monkey Island for not mentioning my topical yet hilarious comic when they posted about their Christmas design. C**ts.

My second biggest grievance is those Internet "discussions", especially if it's about something remotely to do with God. Those people don't have a clue about the philosophy of religion, and when you try to point that out they ignore you. You can do that on the Internet. You just quote some other forum post I made and make the same point about that again and again. There's no winning. In real life you can force people into answering your points, or at least try to, but on the Internet no-one can hear you scream.

Guess what? I'm not excited about that Monkey Island play. I think it'll probably suck. Why is it that there are still plays that are set in the same Stanislavski style of wooden backdrops with linear plots and no imagination! Monkey Island f**king screams out to be done a la Brecht, but will those twats listen? Will they f**k!

My second to last grievance is aimed at you, the reader. Not only have you actually read all this s**te but you also probably pissed me off sometime this year, so f**k you.

And my biggest grievance? Natty. And I mean that literally.

Happy Festivus!"

That was truly beautiful. And what could be a better way to follow up a tirade like that than having an airing of grievance about Gabez himself, as told by Remi, who at this point realizes that following up that one might be rather difficult. :~

"I got a lot of problems with you, Gabez! And now you're gonna hear about them!

What is up with you thinking that you're all hip and cool, when you are clearly nothing but a geek? 'Ooooh, look at me, I'm Gabez, I'm too hip to fraternize on gfn, so I use the ultra-cool MSN instead!' Seriously, pulling a Pedgey like that? Yeah, I said it - you're just like Pedgey. What the hell's the matter with you? Running away all 'Oh nobody loves me :('...

Can't you see how ironic it is that you're complaining like you do i your grievance? In fact, you're clearly displaying worse teenage angst than anybody in the forums. All the bitching and moaning from you, it's getting so amazingly annoying. Go get a real life - you're being an embarrassment to this site!

Speaking of the site, what am I paying you for? You never update anymore, probably as a result of being too 'hip' to do so. It's a sad state of affair when I get more help from benny and Thrik and even elTee. Pathetic!

And what the hell is the deal with going on and on and on about The Last Express? It's only a game, and a crappy one at that! But oh, I forgot, geeks really, really like their games, don't they?

Happy Festivus!"

Have any grievances of your own? Feel free to post them in the comments section!

Gabez wrote about The Last Express:

"I admit that the game isn't for anyone..."

Way to defend the game, Gabzo. ;

Posted Dec 23, 2004

I must say, I fully agree with the RemiRant. You've gone downhill, Gabez! You haven't even spoken to me or Benzo since that time you had a huge rant at us for teaming up on you (OH GOD!!) on the forums.

You need to sort yourself out, my man. I'm not sure what you goal is with turning your shoulder to us all, but it's very sad. If you're supposed to be proving some kind of point by not ever connecting to IRC, you've failed. What, is IRC considered excessively geekish over occupying MSN and commenting on blogs all day now?

That's what we've all concluded, other than it being some kind of concequence for daring to kill you in HLDM. Jeez, next you'll be saying that *games* are geeky or something. And I haven't even begun to describe the random torrent of abuse I received from your "friend" on MSN that time!

I always liked you Gabez, but you've destroyed pretty much every ounce of respect you had from myself and pretty much *everyone* else with your behaviour. I wouldn't normally say that to somebody, but I know that we've all you've got and such a statement will almost certainly crush you, ya big geek!

Posted Dec 23, 2004

Gabez, if you've lost the monkey island care or dont really give flying f**k about the REAL fans then why do you put it on your site, why did you even create a fanboy site to then go on and bitch about the people who are obsessed (I'll admit a lot of them are a bit odd and need to get a new hobby) so just quit it Gabriel

Posted Dec 23, 2004

I love that "Game Vault"'s last comment included "Gabez has all the facts straight" and "GABEZ KICKS ASS!!!" :~

Posted Dec 23, 2004

His idol's gone and slapped him in the face!

Posted Dec 23, 2004

My only grievance is those people (Gabez being a prime example) who choose to ridicule others, but fail to employ appropriate elementary conventions of the English language within their wrangle. It is sad, for example, that Gabez is unable to use correctly a word as juvenile as

Posted Dec 23, 2004

All I'm going to say to Gabez is that you shouldn't bite the hand that feeds you, man.

I have a new grievance though; the grammar nazis. I won't be subtle here, I'm talking about YOU Mort. The fact that I sometimes write "either" when it "should" be "neither" is so incredibly insignificant and pointless, yet you continue to bitch about it every time I do it. "It's wrong!" you wail. FUCK OFF, we're not writing a book when we sign on to IRC are we??

That is all.

Posted Dec 23, 2004

Remi I wasnt agreeing with Gabez's B****in', I was only saying that some of these guys take it too far liek the tatoo guy (who probaby lives with his mother) and the guy who plans to create a REAL scummbar (the 28 yr old virgin) but the people who like it and the goths or whatever have no place to have the s**t taken otu of them for something that Gabez helped cause, I just dont get the,"I dont like things which are popular", if Gabez didnt then why dd he help with a fansite soo big that it attracts more people to the game, so Gabez I hope you dont think that I agree with you in any major ways.
So peace out gabby man.

Posted Dec 23, 2004

Yes, I'm just saying it's kind of funny. ;

Posted Dec 23, 2004

Okay, lets air another grievance then. Thrik - I love you man, but listen up!

As much a friend as you are, I shall not hesitate to lay more curses upon you if you continue any of the following:

1. Spider jokes - you know what I mean; "tones I just saw a spider crawl into your bed :(" etc.

2. Pretending that you've found ultra-rare mp3's that I'm looking for but "the torrent died :("

3. The Nazi shit. You know what I mean.

4. "the Hook music is shite!"

Posted Dec 23, 2004

Oh Gabez ;

Lucasforums is as dull as dishwater, on a good day, so any story about underage pregnancy or homocidal tendancies will certainly brighten up the forums and bring the interestingness level up to 'average Neighbours episode' level. ;
But yeah, people treating a forum like a journal can be a bit irritating, but you're harshing them up quite a bit.

Also. Killing Jews does not make you a Nazi. I can kill plenty of Jews without being a Nazi! Worshipping Hitler doesn't make you a Nazi either. I could well worship his spiffing moustache. In fact, I do!


The rest of the points were boring, up until the thing about Internet discussions. ;

Now, I tend to regular some forum, which no-one 'Monkey Island'-related bar Flirbnic visit. All of a sudden, Gabez pops up and starts yelling at me for some post I made on this forum.
The first thing that confused me was how he found this forum, it's a fairly obscure Star Wars modding forum. Actually, I think I may have accidentally linked to it in a journal or something. But anyway. Gabez insists on arranging some MSN chat, too cool for e-mail or something, and after a while, we chat and he yells at me about this forum thread.
I really don't remember what this thread was about. It may have been about the difference between atheism and agnosticism. Or perhaps Creationism. I don't remember. But I'd been making some fairly straight-forward logical arguments. Gabzo opens the discussion with something like
"No offense or anything, but your argument... is bullshit". He says this several times, without ever actually elaborating on what he's talking about. He goes and says something like "really, I do Philosophy, and your argument is bullshit". What really pissed me off more than anything else, though, was when he said "go buy a book".
His entire argument against mine was "I do philosophy, your argument is bullshit, go buy a book".

Seriously, that really did anger me more than I put on at the time.
Yes, I did know that you 'did' philosophy so I was looking forward to you pointing out some flaw in my logic.
(In fact, the whole 'problem' was pretty much semantic, in that I'd used some words that created the 'wrong tone' and sounded derogatory. this really made me weep).

It really does grieve me how arrogant you are about your philosophy thing. "I do philosophy therefor you should shut up". How about you actually USING that philosophy and like.. get involved in the argument and disprove them? Oh but no, Mighty Philosopher Gabez is far above all that, he's far superior to these mere mortals that don't know anything. You learnt it at school, so it must be right!
The fact that your argument was essentially "uh. buy a book." leads me to think that you're not actually all that good at philosophy anyway, and your arrogance is a result of you not being able to apply logic anywhere ;

The whole point is that you don't NEED to 'study' philosophy in order to 'do' philosophy. Everyone 'does' philosophy. You don't need a qualification in philosophy in order to make a logical argument or disproof. You just need a logical mind. ; And considering how irrational and illogical you've been as of late, it certainly seems that is one thing you don't possess.

If you want us to think that you're good at philosophy, then actually come and show us some fantastic argument or something. Because at the moment, you're just an arrogant loser with an inferiority complex.

Okay, that's the Gabzo-grievence done. More or less. ;

Other things that irritate me, in order of irritationness, from least to most;
- People that use 'either' when they should use 'neither'. It's WRONG, I wail.
- People that use "it's" when they should use "its".
- People that use "its" when they should use "it's".
- People that use "we're not writing a book!!!" as if that constitutes as a response.
- People that feel the need to write "in my opinion" whenever voicing their opinion.
- People that think students of Physics are physicians.
- Anime.
- People that use 'IMO'. Not only are they sticking on an unnecessary warning label, they can't be bothered to type it out either.
- People that use 'IMHO'. See above.
- People that use 'get' to mean 'git'. Normally, I don't really have a problem with northern expressions, but 'get'.. oh man. 'to get' is quite a commonly used verb, so the probability of confusion is pretty high, but 'get' is so close to 'git' that it's pretty obvious that its origins are drunken Prestonians that can't spell.
- People that start critical sentences with "No offense, but" and then go on to say something incredibly offensive.
- Redundant acronyms, like ATM machine or RPG game.
- People that use "well that's just your opinion" as if that actually constitutes as a response.
- Words that mix Greek and Latin. Like 'television'.
- The phrase 'head over heels'.
- People that put the bogroll so it hangs under and not over.
- People that, when accused of being racist, say "I'm not racist, one of my best friends is black!"
- Wales.
- Comparisons that are completely meaningless. Like a tabloid report "there's five hundred million one pound coins in circulation! if you put them end to end they'd circle the Earth nine times!"
- People that insist on spelling metre as 'meter'.
- 'Intelligent Design Theory'. Seriously, it's just Creationism with a truckload of totally unnecessary pseudo-scientific jargon tossed in for good measure.
- People with signatures longer than their replies.
- People that use imperial measurements.
- People that say "I'm not religious, I'm spiritual".
- Patriots.
- People that insist on spelling colour as 'color'.
- People that believe in astrology.
- Christian rock.
- People that raise their intonation at the end of all their sentences making them all sound like questions.
- People that say 'I could care less'. Yes, this is definitely my number one irritation. The correct phrase is "I COULD NOT CARE LESS". It's a pretty clever phrase that states that the thing in discussion is the thing they care the least about in the Universe ever. If you imagine a care-o-meter, things you care a lot about, like your standing in Puzzle Pirates, will be at the top. Things you care slightly less about, like what soundtrack Thrik just downloaded, will be somewhere in the middle. But the thing in discussion, the thing you're talking about, that will be right at the very bottom. Nothing is below it on your care-o-meter! Not even the daily routine of ptdc will be below this thing. I can draw you a bloody diagram! In fact, I have! Somewhere.
But anyway, this phrase is so clever that it soon became totally over-used and I imagine few people really understand it. Well, I suppose "could" and "couldn't" do sound quite similar, so it's not surprising that someone mistook the phrase as "I COULD CARE LESS". Except this has disasterous consequences, as now the phrase means pretty much completely the opposite. On your care-o-meter, the thing in discussion is no longer right at the very bottom! The thing in discussion could quite easily move down. We don't actually know anything about its position on the care-o-meter! It could be right at the top. A fairly clever phrase has been utterly corrupted into a COMPLETELY MEANGINLESS and TOTALLY IDIOTIC phrase. This corruption tends to occur someplace across the Atlantic. No, it's not 'sarcastic'! It's just STUPID. STUPID I tell you. STUPID. 'I could care less'. gah.


I'm pretty sure I can think of some more things that irritate me later.

Posted Dec 23, 2004

What about people who use "people that" when they should use "people who"?

Posted Dec 23, 2004

Time for the second installment of my airing.

Okay, the subject this time is ATMachine. Many around the community will know him as an incredibly hard-working individual in the MixnMojo community, who spends a lot of his free time writing up information on the LucasArts games of the past.

Those who have spoken or even been in his presence on IRC know that it goes far deeper than this. They know they ATMachine is, quite literally, obsessed with the games.

I swear to God, every single time I see ATMachine on IRC, it is *guaranteed* that he will either mention or post screenshot evidence of some incredibly obscure detail in The Dig or something which nobody in all honesty cares about.

A classic example would be this. Whilst browsing some 1989 Amiga magazine from his vast collection next to his desk, he would find a screenshot of a mid-production Secret of Monkey Island. To any normal person this screenshot would look identical to the finished product.

But not to ATMachine! No, in one corner of the interaction interface, one of the lines would be ofset to the left by about five pixels. This of course would require that he immediately throw his magazine into the scanner, Photoshop up about twenty images comparing the original to this masterful discovery, and of course tell everyone in IRC about it.

Now, this could be overlooked as enthusiastic fanboyism as our good friend Gabez has often displayed, but when it's happening every week on a regular basis it gets a little worrying. Such things, whilst undiscovered and probably never would have been, really aren't cared about by anybody.

I've even come across instances where ATMachine (or somebody he knows) would actually sit and create faked screenshots of how a certain scene in The Dig may have looked had a character originally mentioned in the design documents but later removed been there. I mean, he took screenshots and then edited in another guy just to show how it could have looked. I appreciate the effort ATMachine puts in, but seriously, nobody is really that bothered.

I've been meaning to bring this to him for a while, but there isn't really any way I can put it without offending him -- and I don't *want* to offend him. I guess this holiday really is a Godsend!

Posted Dec 23, 2004

'That' is a perfectly acceptable relative pronoun in replace of 'who', 'whom', or 'which'. But never 'whose'.

Posted Dec 23, 2004

MOrto your a MORON, you are a nazi if you wish anything bad to jews, and even if it isnt its still faschism and racism which is harsh so you know, nazis should just go and kill themselves or sumting

Posted Dec 23, 2004

"you're" ;

Posted Dec 23, 2004

Game Vault is such a tool. :D

Posted Dec 23, 2004

I hate everyone and everything.

Happy festivus!

Posted Dec 23, 2004

Silly Thrik. My collection of magazines is actually far punier than I would like.

Posted Dec 23, 2004