An article by Captain Mystery, posted on March 07. 2003.

Why Haggis Ain't Making Much Sense

I never intended these yawn-fest articles to be a hateful, bile-filled diatribe against a single individual rather just against a collective group of morons instead but after reading a rant written by someone calling themselves Haggis I feel like devoting a few paragraphs to the clown. It seems that Haggis has some notion inside his nice, empty head that he wants to be the next big article writer for the Monkey Island community.

Let me tell you a secret, you Scottish food dish: there are no big article writers for the Monkey Island community. Hell, there isn't even a real community, unless you count five or six social misfits drooling over a hardback first edition of the Elf Queen of Shannara and debating the colour of Glottis' face to be the cornerstone of a solid, long-lasting community.

For someone who says that don't care about either me or what I write about, you seem to spend a lot of time saying it. Fine, some of the feedback comments on my articles have said I complain too much about a particular point. What those less-than-bright people are missing is the fact that the headline is normally devoted to an exact topic and the whole point is to rant about a specific thing. Haggis, I think maybe you've got the hots for me. I'm not sure, but I could never love a dinner made of blood and liver.

The general consensus is that I should follow my own advice and shut up, and that my opinion shouldn't be heard. Fine; I'll make a deal with you. Don't comment on this article, don't email me again, don't write articles like Haggis'. In fact, stop writing anything that could possibly be construed as opinion. In the clouded view of the rabid responses to my articles, they seem to be saying I have no right to express my views, but at the same time they're expressing the opinion my stuff is no good.

That's the problem; you either get strange old men or people from the Monkey Island community saying I shouldn't be allowed to say what I think, but at the same time I have to put up with reading their inane comments. It just doesn't make sense. The minute you post something seemingly against Monkey Island fans it seems your right to an opinion disappears. Yet the fans have every right to post their opinion in response? Sense? No.

What confuses me about Haggis' article the most is the reason it exists in the first place. It's like he sat down at his computer, pushed his laminated picture of the Star Trek cast to one side, and started reading what I've already written for the Scumm Bar. After that, he seems to have said to himself "I don't care, so I'll write an article about it". If you really didn't care in the least, why devote hundreds of words saying so?

It's nice that you can spend five or six paragraphs saying that you don't care about Captain Mystery (I'm hurt now!). Also how you can rant on about not caring for so long, and then complain about how I write too much. Just to cheer you up, you hypocritical mound of hyperbole, I'll make this article shorter than the rest.

The end.

This article refers to Weekly Haggis #4.

Radio Flyer October 03. 2002

I've been meaning to have a look at this Scumm Bar website that I've heard tell of in numerous publications, both professional and freelance, for quite a while.

I'm not going to take personal jabs at anybody else who has posted in response to Captain Mystery's stuff, because in spite of the fact that I'm new, I hope you all will try to listen to me. This is for your own good.

Take just a second, stop scowling at your screens as you read the Curmudgeonly Captain's comments(10 points for alliteration), and DON'T TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY. Sure, I think he believes in what he's writing, and I agree with alot of it. I also disagree with alot of it. But guess what? That's not the point of what I'm writing, and it's not the point of what HE'S writing, either. Anybody who's ever had the joy of reading www.seanbaby.com can see the obvious hilarity in his articles.

As I once found out rather painfully from a casual browsing of some IRC logs, it's tough to be funny on paper(or screen, as it were). The good Captain's articles aren't supposed to make you nod your head and say "Amen, brother! You are the savior we have awaited!", they're supposed to make you LAUGH. At least, I hope so, or I'm dumber than the post-credits joke in EfMI.

If anybody's ever seen Lewis Black, either performing stand-up or on The Daily Show, you know what I'm talking about. People telling us how dumb we are is funny, but if you take it as serious criticism, you just might end up angry enough to fight back with meaningless personal insults and empty, biting criticisms that end up making you look dumber than...well, the post-credits joke at the end of EfMI (as opposed to the one at the beginning). Oh yeah, and since I've praised you so much here, Captain M., I hope you aren't upset when I tell you that putting an apostrophe in the word aint makes it look "quite like a monkey in a hat", to quote one of the more annoying characters in the pantheon of adventure gaming.

Captain Mystery September 19. 2002

Charstenne: Yes! Let us ignore Mr. Mystery!

But let us always respect that fine fellow Captain Mystery.

MrManager September 18. 2002

You can just e-mail it to me at remio@scummbar.com. Format doesn't matter, as long as it's a common one. (Word, Text, RTF, whatever)

Charstenne Morgha September 18. 2002

BTW, I have an article I would like to post on the Scumm Bar, how should I send it in? To what adress? In what format?

Charstenne Morgha September 18. 2002

I have an idea! Let's all ignore mr. Mystery!

Ben_Whatsisname September 16. 2002

First off, I never saw the question answered (maybe I missed it) about Shannara. It is a series of fantasy books written by Terry Brooks and is a very good read, although the large paperback versions I have force you to read them in one sitting by causing you a hernia when you lift them. lol

As far as the "Captain Mystery" thing vs. Haggis (or anyone else) all you anti-CM folks just play his game by replying. lol All he does is throw out the hook. Does he force you to read his works, be they great insights or total drivel? No. Does he come to your house and hold a gun to your head, forcing you to post a comment? No. With that in mind, do yourself a favor - if you want the "Captain Mystery" fire to die out, quit throwing your own logs on it or thinking that adding flames will make his fire go out.

Captain - at first I found you irritating...now, not so much. I would like, if I may, to submit a request/challenge/whatever to you: In recent years, there have been more video game to movie crossovers, from Street Fighter/Mortal Kombat to Resident Evil/Final Fantasy/Tomb Raider. (Star Wars, of course, is an animal unto itself) A Pirates of the Carribian movie is now in production and may prompt some big Hollywood execs to look at Monkey Island as the next crossover. Your "challenge" is just give your opinion on the feasability of an adventure game making the jump to the big screen. We've already seen action games do it...

Haydy September 11. 2002

Is it just me or are these comments getting out of hand?

deadworm222 September 11. 2002

I started a website. LOL. I have way too much time... though I haven't.


scabb- September 10. 2002

I don't know who Captain Mystery is. All I know is that his cynicism and constant abuse have caused me some serious psychological damage.

He has hurt me in a way no gun or nuclear warhead could. My ego lies in pieces on the floor, and every night I cry myself to sleep.

Those remarks about grammar haunt me. I hear his voice snarling at me all hours of the day, forcing me to correct others grammar and become an outcast from my peers, and be ridiculed due to my constant depression and my zombie-like status.

So I turn to the internet, and he's there again, mocking me, with another offensive article that sends what I can only describe as electrical shocks down my spine, and pierces my pupils in the most insulting fashion possible.

Leave me be Captain. I am just a mere mortal, I cannot comprehend your being.

Emberage September 01. 2002

Hmm... I only come to the Scumm Bar every once and a while, but I was interested in what is happening here. I've seen this many times before, however, in many other online sites. I can honestly say, this kind of writing always starts circulating the old blood of a site. Though an ego or two might be bruised, it always provides entertainment.

Let me put it annother way... how interesting would Monkey Island be without LeChuck? It would be quite boring. Without the "villan" to stir things up, there would be no excitement. I look forward to seeing the next step.

MDChurchill September 01. 2002

This article appears incredibly pointless. Just out of curiousity, do you also go under the name Adz? I did agree with some of his points on Fan Games/Fiction but I do agree with that Haggis guy... kind of bad considering you're the person who's article I read first. Sorry.

Haggis September 01. 2002

Okay, I'm sorry. That was a mistake. Don't mention it.

Captain Mystery August 31. 2002

Haggis: for someone who reckons they're not being personal in their insults, your last comment is as obnoxious as anything I've ever written.

Saying "What bothers me is that this guy thinks he is intelligent" doesn't really fit in with your earlier comment saying "But I'm not going to insult you", does it?

Thanks a bunch.

Haggis August 31. 2002

I know all that, Cutlass. What bothers me is that this guy thinks he is intelligent.

Captain Cutlass Esq. August 31. 2002

Relax Haggis, Captain's articles are amusing. Nothing else but pure comedy. They're funny in a kind of Charlie Chaplin kicking someone up the arse kind of way. Funny cos theyre so awful. Like tabloid newspapers. Anyway, it could be fun if he split the community. It would be like a civil war thing, and he'd be like Palpatine. Yes. He would. Stop looking at me.

Haggis August 31. 2002

Damn you, Captain Mystery. Coward! Reveal yourself or bring a fog of hatred over this site.
Edit: I do not like the fact that placement of articles like these is allowed on this site. You could argue that I also wrote an article against one person, but that's not true. I complained about this phenomenon, "Captain Mystery". Maybe "he" is not even one person. But I am. And my complaints against your articles are shared by a lot of other active community members. I was merely voicing there opinions - opinions that I share. And not without reason. I fully understand that these articles are created to provoke a reaction from the community, but I urge The Monkey Island SCUMM Bar to reconsider placing this on the site. I am not against freedom of speech, but tearing a community apart on the biggest and probably most respected site of that same community, is ironic at least.

Captain Mystery August 30. 2002

Haggis, the fact you communicate with symbols like this - :D - only confirms my opinions about you.

Captain Cutlass Esq. August 30. 2002

Captain Mystery, you're controversial, full of hate and malice, and very right-wing. You also write splendidly constructed articles, full of wit, satire and genuine knowledge that are very observant. You are a complete hypocrite as well. But that is why I read your articles and why your articles stand out in a large community. Keep it up. Give in to your hatred and your journey toward the dark side will be complete. (ahem)

Haggis August 30. 2002

Am I famous now? Cool. Anyway, I come back from a holiday, and what do I see? This... thing... heh. Very nice, Capn. Frankly, I don't care what you think of me, but at least I'm not hiding (I guess you thought that after I was away for two weeks ;). I think you're missing the point here, mister Y (get it? "Mystery", "Myster Y"...). You are insulting me. But why? Do you know me? Do you know "Haggis"? Do you know anything about the community, about which you say it doesn't exist? The answer is "no, no, no". But I'm not going to insult you, because this article only confirms my opinions about you. :D

Ryback August 27. 2002

C'pt: You loved it, and you know it.

Captain Mystery August 27. 2002

Ryback: Yes, almost, but thankfully not your fanfic.

Captain Mystery August 27. 2002

Someone with a dictionary.

B.B.J August 27. 2002

Zealots. What do you think you are CM.

Captain Mystery August 27. 2002

I'm not being indignant, I'm commenting, just as you have.

For a supposed community, there's a lot of zealots who like being selective with the idea of free speech.

Darth Shatner August 27. 2002

This whole article pretty much reads like "Yeah? So's yer old lady!" Sure, you may be entitled to your opinion about fanfics and other fan creations. But there is also such a thing as tact. But Haggis has as much right to criticize your behaviour as you do to criticize other MI fans and their works. It's not very mature to act all indignant when someone says they don't approve of you acting rude and inconsiderate towards the fan base. If anything, it only lends credence to Haggis' editorial. If what he said about you was wrong, then just say "Screw him" and take the moral higher ground. Otherwise it just degenerates into a playground fight. Or are you angry that he might be right?

Say what you want CM, you have every right to. But don't get all indignant when a dog you tease bites you.

Haydy August 26. 2002

Brill as alway Cap. I happen to throughly enjoy your articles.


Courthold August 26. 2002

Captain Mystery rox your sox riffage so shut. Do not open again. Ever. Also, here is a book for you're your grammar problems: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1558103373

PTDC August 25. 2002

Riffage sucks.

Ryback August 25. 2002

Jesus. The ScummBar will publish anything these days, won't it.

Squinky August 25. 2002

Also: Shut up, Riffage. You couldn't write anything better, and it's quite obvious you're hurting for something to get mad at Captain Mystery about. Remi runs the Scummbar, you don't, so let him post what he deems appropriate.

Squinky August 25. 2002

captan mystry you need to stop writing becase noone cares what yuou think. i dont care and i know noone else cares and this is crap that shouldnt be on the scummbar remi you need to run this place better. i could write an article better than this with better english and id have a point but im not going to because i dont care and no one else cares so im not going to comment on this ever captain mysery you suck and you need to take youre own advice and shut up because i dont care what you think. i dont want to see the scumbar be shat and its getting that way captain its your fault you should keep your opinions to yurself because i dont care at all and no one else does either

Riffage August 25. 2002

I meant that its not hard to write something that you're criteria needs, come on ANYONE can write something that has humour and content

Gabez August 25. 2002

Hee, yes Scummbuddy :) I was aware of the irony when I posted that. But I think there

MrManager August 24. 2002

I agree - to a degree - that comments have no need to be perfect when it comes to spelling and grammar. However, if you're gonna criticize somebody's style of article writing (which has been done by numerous people on numerous occasions), you should at least know where to use apostrophes, and the difference between "you're" and "your". It just seems like the polite way of doing it.

I also think it's amusing that an article which essentially was about nothing has managed to get close to thirty comments in a day. It's sorta charming, in that Seinfeld kinda way.

Scummbuddy August 24. 2002

Going along with what Gabez said, "We don't know who he is, but it's fun to make guesses.", Wasn't one of Captain Mystery's first points that as soon as something comes out that we make wild suggestions about how it is. Now we (some) are like "Who is he/she?".
Also, spelling SHOULD count when it comes to writing articles, but when it comes to these dinky back and forth forum-type comments, don't rag on someone's spelling, grammar and most importantly, English. That is so egocentric and stupid.

MrManager August 24. 2002

"I could write someone in about 5-10minutes that qualifies all of your required "needs" for an article." Or does that mean you can write to someone who can meet the needs?

Riffage August 24. 2002

show me where i was bragging

MrManager August 24. 2002

Hmmm, Riffage, you might want to check your spelling and grammar before you brag too much about your writing abilities.

Also, again, can anybody tell me what "Elf Queen of Shannara" is? I don't get the reference

Riffage August 24. 2002

His was ok in a sense that he was getting a point across, your article was just a reply, keep it to yourselves, i don't want to hear about it. No doubt he will now either write another article or some comments, youll then write something else in reply.

Enough of the childish comments and articles, either write something worth while that youll get praise for, or don't bother at all.

This place might aswell be called Speakers Corner the way things are going.

Captain Mystery August 24. 2002

Riffage: "That article should just have been an e-mail to haggis, and not something for the whole world to see."

And it's different from the basic idea behind Haggis' article how?

Riffage August 24. 2002

ok, i think your now pushing your luck with the articles. I liked your previous ones, but this is just a total slag off of someone, how can you allow the scumm bar to be used for that, i mean this gets seen by a lot of people.

My opinion, thats because i can make one, is that article should just have been an e-mail to haggis, and not something for the whole world to see, frankly I really don't care what you think or don't think about haggis's article, let him write what he wants and if people read it and like it great, but don't bother writing an article because you havnt for a while, write good stuff, don't ruin the good articles youve got because of some article someone else wrote. You write controversial articles and so does he it seems. Another one of my opinions is that TSB is becoming a soap box for anyone who's got something to say about anything. I could write someone in about 5-10minutes that qualifies all of your required "needs" for an article.

I have gone through a similar situation, i just learned that other people have views that you dont want to know about, and frankly I would say that the monkey-island community is dying out because of stupid and un-needed arguments like this between people. This is the same reason why I have left #monkey-island, but thats a differnent story. Enjoy your life, don't let some asshole ruin it because he doesn't like who or what you are, leave it behind and get on with life.

Live life to the full.

B.B.J August 24. 2002

Ok you got me I cant spell but thats just akedemic. And for the record no I am not wearing a kilt.

Squinky August 24. 2002

Yeah BBJ, I hate it when people accuse Scots of not being able to spell, I mean it's just not true!

B.B.J August 24. 2002

Dont slag Higgis CM.(By that I mean dont slag the meat dish tridionally made with the hart lungs and liver of a sheep but is now made with porrige oats and mince. Because it rules). And dont slag the Scots as were totally sick of Americans spouting steriotipical rubbish about us. And Haggis in CMI did us no favors.

Gabez August 24. 2002

I think the secret identity is the most thrilling aspect of these articles. Who is Captain Mystery? We may never know, but it

lowman August 24. 2002

Arrr, the intrepid Cap'n has made an excellent point. Cynical he may be, but his point about freedom of expression is well made: those who try to silence someone who's exercising their right to free speech are walking all over the principles of free speech.

What concerns me, though, is that the Cap'n feels so empowered to express his (her?) opinions -- controversial as they are -- and yet hides behind a secret identity. The scurvy dog.

haggis luvs me August 23. 2002

RemiO has a point i think, as long as you can point out your point in your article, every one should accept it its not your fault there stupid.

sorry haggis i dont mean to be against you here....

MrManager August 23. 2002

Ok last word on what we accept in the articles section.

Anything that's fairly well written will most likely be accepted. It can be anti-TSB or anti-me for all I care, as long as it has decent content and/or a good dose of humor, it will most likely be accepted. Take issue with what was written, not that it was written in the first place. Free speech and all that, y'know. And gain some perspective, like benny, mercat, Gabez, Squinky and anybody else who can see the difference between what's to be taken seriously, and what's not. That is all.

Squinky August 23. 2002


Seriously buddy, tone the homoangst down a bit. You don't run the Scummbar and you're not very important, so shut your hole.

JBRAA August 23. 2002

Fill a site with shit and it becomes shit. I dont want shit at the scummbar. accept it or resign.

MrManager August 23. 2002

I mean honestly, take Captain Mystery seriously, what's next? Trust Rush Limbaugh? Watch Fox News? Think Dubya is a genius? For heaven's sake gain some perspective.

Also, Gabez is too smart to be a TSB staffer.

Gabez August 23. 2002


The whole point of The SCUMM Bar articles section is to give people in the community a voice, so to speak. As long as the published work isn't too controversial, then it's allowed up on the site. Hence this article has really got little to do with The SCUMM Bar itself.

MrManager August 23. 2002

JBRAA - I wasn't aware of you being in charge of what we decide to run.

Captain Mystery August 23. 2002

That's "you're".

JBRAA August 23. 2002

youre going down boy

Captain Mystery August 23. 2002

JBRAA: You're the one making the place look vulgar with the pointless swear words and ugly grammar.

JBRAA August 23. 2002

why do you include this kind of filth into the scummbar?
it reduces the quality of the site. all the crazy stuff can be in the forum for all i care. i dont wanna see this shit at the scummbar again!

Gabez August 23. 2002

Hee! I find this really quite amusing.

mercatfat August 23. 2002

Brilliant as usual, Captain.

Ralgath[queztone] August 23. 2002

what is a Captain Mystery?? I called disneyland but they said there was no such meal in their adventureous seafood restaurant.

MrManager August 23. 2002

I might be ignorant here, but... What's "Elf Queen of Shannara"? I searched the web and it looked like some D&D thing, but is it famous or something?

bgbennyboy August 23. 2002

Go Cap go!

Return to previous page.